Why Children Don’t Seem to Listen (and What to Say Instead)

Words Aren’t Always Instructions

I was walking my dog past our local nursery when a couple of children aged about three came racing round the corner of the building.

They saw us, got very excited, and each grabbed a handful of gravel and threw it onto the pavement in front of us. They weren’t aiming at us, just thrilled to have an audience.

This was spotted by the nursery assistant, who called out, “If you throw stones, you’ll hit the dog!”

Two seconds later, another handful of gravel. You could see the disbelief on her face.

My dog and I walked on unscathed, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

What she meant was, “Don’t throw stones; you might hurt the dog.” What she said was a statement of fact. Her tone was a warning, but the words were only information, and to a three-year-old, information isn’t an instruction.

It’s easy to be certain we’ve said one thing when we’ve actually said another. I’ve done the same, many times.

Be clear in what you say (as well as how)

Small children take words at face value. They’re still learning how language works, so “Do you want to put your shoes on?” sounds like a genuine question, and “You’ll get wet” sounds like a weather report.

A few swaps that help:

• Instead of “If you throw stones you’ll hit the dog,” try “Stones stay on the ground. Drop them here, please.”
• Instead of “Are you ready to go?” try “It’s time to go. Let’s find your shoes.”
• Instead of “Don’t run!” try “Walking feet, please.”

Being clear and specific matters even more for neurodivergent children, who often need literal, concrete language. In my experience, it helps almost every child.

If you’d like to go deeper, the classic How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is well worth reading. When I first read it, I remember thinking that lots of relationships could benefit from it, including mine.

Filtering words through ‘our world’

Clear words are only half of it. How we hear is shaped by where we are and how we’re feeling. You’ve probably noticed this with an email. Read it when you’re relaxed, and it seems perfectly friendly. Read it when you’re stressed, and the very same words sound sharp.

The same happens at home. After a long day, a child’s “I don’t want it!” can sound like defiance when it’s really tiredness, hunger, or a big feeling with nowhere to go.

Where mindfulness helps with talking and hearing

Mindfulness helps us notice when our own emotions are colouring the facts. It helps us spot when we’re projecting our worries onto someone else, and once we notice that, we can speak and listen far more clearly.

Young children might refuse to try meditation to feel calmer, but we can practise it ourselves. Staying present helps us see what’s actually happening, rather than getting swept up in the heat of the tantrum or the tears. As children get older and more willing, we can teach them the same skills, so they feel heard and understood too.

By needing us to be clearer, our children (unknowingly) teach us to be mindful.

Here’s a simple mindful tool to use.

When buttons are being pressed, take one slower, deeper breath and silently say:

“Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.”

It’s a well-loved phrase from the mindfulness tradition, often associated with Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. I use it before, during, and after difficult conversations.

Coming home mindfully

It’s much harder to communicate clearly when we’re stressed, and many of us carry the day through the front door. You rush out of work, spend the journey worrying about what’s been left undone and who needs to be where tonight, then start issuing instructions the moment you step inside.

The Health and Safety Executive describes stress as the adverse reaction people have to excessive pressure or other demands placed on them. In a 24/7 culture, most of us will feel it at some point, and our children learn how to handle feelings by watching how we handle ours. So try a small pause before the day at home begins:

• Breathe before you go in. Take three slow breaths at the front door, or use the last stretch of the walk home to notice your feet and your breath. The mindful phrase (above) works here too.
• Mark the change. Swap your shoes, change your clothes, and get comfortable. Do it slowly and notice it. It’s a small signal to your body that you’ve moved from employee to parent.
• Be fully here. Ten minutes of undivided attention, with the phone away and perhaps a snack or drink together, is worth more than an hour of half-listening. When your mind wanders back to work, do what you’d do in meditation: notice it, and gently return to your breath and the moment.

Children read our calm long before they read our words. When we arrive more settled, what we say connects more clearly.

You don’t need to be an expert to begin sharing mindful skills

Some training programs insist you have lots of meditation experience before you can teach children some mindful skills. I understand why, and I truly believe we should practise ourselves. There’s no point asking children to be peaceful while we stay frantic.

But I’ve seen complete beginners teach their own children meditation very successfully. Teaching children is a two-way experience. We think we’re giving them a skill, and we are. We’re also giving ourselves a moment with our own breath, body, and mind.

You don’t need a certificate to begin. If you can’t afford courses, we have books to help you get started.

If you’d like more structure and support, our award-winning, accredited courses can help.

Our online course, based on my book Calm Kids, won a silver award from Mom’s Choice Awards, a worldwide organisation honouring excellence in family-friendly media, products and services.

Your next step

If you’re a parent, carer or grandparent, the Mindful Parenting Course (or our Mindful Grandparents course) gives you simple, practical tools for clearer communication, calmer evenings and helping your child learn to settle their own big feelings.

If you’d like to teach others, whether in a school, a therapy practice or your own community, our professional training is the next step. Since 2003, the Connected Kids © Method has trained adults worldwide to bring mindfulness and meditation to children and teens.

So far, we estimate that’s 30,000 people (just like you) helping children and teens have access to mindful skills.

Are you ready to join them?

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